When "Man Up" Means "Shut Up" : The Cost Of Being The Rock

0:09 S S. S, S. S S except everybody. This big holy on whether this might herd podcast coming to you live from use your imagination,

1:46 you know how it is. I want to bring in my lovely co hosts of the Evening TG love. What's up? Hell? Hello? What's up? How are you. Okay? Yeah? You want to know, you want to know why I didn't hear you before? Why my volume wasn't up? Oh unbelievable. And when I came back, I was like, I don't know if you can hear me or not. Man, Yo, I was like you I can't. I can't hear I can't hear it. Oh my god, that's why.

2:30 That's yeah. I was that that was a little because when I when when the intro started playing mm hmm, I was like, oh my god, I can't hear it. Fucking volumes off. Oh man, that's a good way to start, a great way to start. As always saw, how the last two weeks been for you? Like, that's crazy that it's been two weeks, Like. Yeah, it's flying. So what has happened? I don't even know. We got snow right within the.

3:15 Too, Yeah I think so. Yeah, that that big storm. Yeah, that's crazy because like it's freezing and it does it's melting, but like very slowly because it's like I mean, today was the first day that it was over like thirty something to thirty eight degrees. Hi Angel, Hey, oh my god? Hello, Hello, Candy, HELLU Hello. Yeah. So so, yeah, we had to deal with snow.

3:55 That was a pain in the ass because that hasn't happened in a while. Like where I'm at, we got a good amount. I think we are more than a foot possibly or or maybe less, I don't know, but enough to like be in a pain in the ass still. So but other than that. Yeah, we got about I would say thirteen fourteen inches. Yeah, this is like that's it. Yeah, And it's been like since I've lived out here, I haven't experienced like too much snow. So this is the first that it was, like it's.

4:38 Snowing, all right. Yeah, but I'm just not okay with this fucking eight degree weather. This is not cool, you know, Like this is not Wisconsin or Minnesota, Like what the fuck? I didn't move up there for a reason. I'm a packer fan. I even Wisconsin. I can't handle that, Like, could you imagine this Cuban Puerto rican up in Wisconsin. I mean they're up there, I'm sure, but like, hell no, that's tundra. Like that's how it's been feeling here. I'm like, I can't believe it's this cold. Was that say I can't read? I'm gonna bring readers.

5:21 It was in the seventies where she's a, oh. I'm sure you're like I'm flooring or something. Of course, always bragging. Yeah, so my last the last two weeks went pretty well, not too bad. Okay, did some ship, didn't do some ship kept busy, you know, just did do do what I do? What I do? You know what I'm saying. Yeah, you know, and. I'm here. And he's bad. He's ticking. That's it. That's it. Andy said, No, I hate it. I'll trade you.

6:04 No, I wouldn't want somebody weather either. I don't like the winter. But I'm not okay with below freezing yeah. Weather, Like, I'm not cool with that climate. I like, oh, it's just been the extreme. I'm not like I'm you see my very pale white skin, it gets my legs is ashy. That's how freezing cold it is. Then I'm white and ashy. It's bad. Oh man, all right, So we got uh, we're waiting on. I don't know if if Dove's gonna make it tonight.

6:47 He might not be well, so he might not. He's definitely not well. Even though we're like not near each other. Just don't spread your germs, you know. So it's fine. Stop coughing, stop go off a word. So we got two emails tonight and a hot topic. So we're gonna start off with the first email of the night. You ready for this one? All right? All right, let's go, dear Coleon and Crewe. My name is James Saint Patrick.

7:30 And you hear why in the second I'm writing because I'm tired of pretending this shit doesn't hurt. I know I'm a good man. I know what I bring to the table. I'm a gentleman. I'm honest. I don't cheat, I'm loyal, I'm loving and I communicate. I show up. I'm not perfect, but I'm real and I move with plenty of integrity. Hold on one second, me bring in lady Geez. He's here, Yo, what's up? What top? How are you?

8:11 I'm good? How are you? We're good? I'm I'm reading the email? All right? Want me to start over so you can you can hear it? Yeah, because you just started, so just start over. Yeah, all right. Yes, my name is James Saint Patrick. You will hear why in the second. I'm writing because I'm tired of pretending this ship doesn't hurt. I know I'm a good man. I know what I bring to the table. I'm a gentleman. I'm honest. I don't cheat, I'm loyal, I'm loving. I communicate, I communicate and I show up with intention, with intention.

8:54 Oh, I'm hearing back. I'm hearing back. That's why you're connected to the car. I'm just kaying, all right. I'm not perfect. I'm real. I move with integrity. I'm open, transparent, and sometimes I overshare because but I believe real connection requires the truth. I don't hide behind fake shit or play games. And yet no matter how solid I try to be, I keep ending up in the same place, ghosted, discarded, left alone, and never like I never mattered at all. I don't understand how being genuine can become a liability. I don't understand how treating someone right gets you treated like you're disposable.

9:57 Am I too available, too honest, too kind, too kind? For a world that's addicted to bullshit. I'm not looking for situationships or ego boosts or temporary validation. I'm looking for real love, real consistency, and a woman who actually knows what she wants. So I'm asking for your real opinion or advice. What can a man like me do to stop getting ghosted without becoming cold, bitter, or emotionally shut down? How do I protect my heart without turning into someone I'm not because I'm tired of questioning my worth when all I ever tried to do is love the right way, respectfully. Ghost James st. Patrick. That's it's a play on words because James st. Patrick is a character from a show and his name is ghosts. So I get what he's trying to say.

10:49 Okay, all right, So that's and it's a man, it's a dude. Ye, women go through Oh boy, I mean I got again. I thought you said there were scenarios or more details or something, you know. No that he said. No, He said that he was being ghosted. He was tired of being ghosted. He don't want emotionally shut down. I just I assumed this was enough, but he just just well, I guess women who actually know what he wants to deal with women who actually know what they want, and is he oversharing his life?

11:41 So like I feel like like it's possible, Like there's things that I wrote down like that he overshares. He's big on the truth. He likes to be open and honest, and that's good. Like these are qualities that women want. However, I say, when it comes to dating, especially in the beginning, when you're getting to know somebody, you need to read the room and like kind of first get to know the person in front of you a little bit to see like like we're kind of all different on how we kind of like take something that someone says. Like I could say something and then like you know, Big Cy could be like like he'll he'll like get it, But Lady G might like get offended somehow because she wasn't, you know, reading the tone.

12:35 The way you would have read it knowing me. Does that make sense? So I think like. Some women tend to do that, Like I was somebody who would do that, like I would overshare, I'd be very honesty, like like this is who I am. I'm putting it out there. A lot of people can't handle that. They can't. However, I say. Stick it out because like you'll find the person who can handle you being someone who like overshares. I don't think that anybody should really change who they are. But at the same time, like there's a right and wrong time to talk about certain things too, And that's what I'm saying.

13:18 I'm not sure when he says oversharing stuff how much you know? What does that mean? Because for some like like you were saying, TG is that everybody is not the same, right, So what might be oversharing, what might be oversharing to one person is not oversharing to somebody else. It is actually something they're looking for, right, So I would say to remain genuine and true to you, right because the right person is going to be okay with that. So the thing is, you got to you gotta make a lot of mistakes, You gotta fail a lot of times to actually find the right way the right person. You know.

13:59 I almost felt like you were talking about. Me there, Corleon. It was like, what the heck are you reading? Are you reading by diary? Like this is why? This is why I said, was this really a man? Because I feel like we as women have. Experienced this a lot more possibly than men, because there's a lot of men who say that they aren'tine are true, and they're bullshitters, like they will say all this stuff about themselves, mean while they're fucking homeless. So let's be real about are you being real? That's kind of that's kind of rough the dude talking all that shit. He's there are men out there, Dude, I've told you.

14:42 Somebody reade up the whole car today. And all that stuff just to fool me into believing or driving up to North Jersey, like, dude like invited me to his house and didn't even tell his mother I was coming. Oh, even worse, and I she knows her flowers. The lady takes the flowers and she's looking at me like who are you and why are you here? And where are they from? And I was like, wow, So yeah, people do go out of their way to do crap like that. Oh my god. But yeah, like tell his moms you were coming over, that's crazy.

15:22 No he didn't, And I'm like, what the heck? And I'm giving her flowers and she's like who are you and who are these from? I'm like they're from me, And I automatically knew from her face. I said, your son didn't tell you I was coming, did he? And she said no, and he's just walking around the house like. No big deal. I'm like wow, So of course, me being who I am, you know, I start talking about the little accident thing because I have a funny feeling that, you know, I had a feeling when I went that he had been lying about it. But he was hanging his hat on that story. So I started talking to her, not only did he not get in a car accident, he doesn't even have a car. He gets he gets uber to work, to stop just stop people people do.

16:12 Look, it's one thing to tell someone yeah I don't have a car, who would have worked, But to tell them, oh, I got into a car accident and this. Yeah again, but I don't have a time at all, just to get you to come over, to get you to drive, like that's ridiculous, that's seem like yeah, And that's also a person who probably lied and said they were being genuine and ship, but they they don't like there are there are too many people out there that and they're women too. Who will say what you think you they like you want here not actually be genuine say what they're feeling or thinking. And to me, that's like a huge problem with in relationships, like I want you to be real with me, just like I'm gonna be real with you what I say.

17:00 Girl, I'm glad you ran from that one. Like running, like running and then like maybe setting a fire behind you so there's no tracers because. I can't I can't just imagine, Oh, you're gonna we're gonna hang on, I'm gonna cook dinner, we're gonna chill binge, watch something or whatever. And when you open up the doors, the mom she takes she takes the flowers thinking somebody sent them to her, but they're from you. Yeah, Like she's like, oh the delivery girls here. Yeah, that's why.

17:40 That's why, like what what is happening? But real quick to get back to like this guy and even what we're saying like people ghosting, like don't take that personally, per se, Like it's it's hard. Not to is hard not to take it personally though. Because that just shows the character of that person, Like if that person can't be mature enough to be honest and say like hey, like I'm good, like you know, we had a good time or whatever. But like that's all like whatever, or you get friend zoned or whatever, but say it. You know, like you're a coward to.

18:25 Me if you just like stop replying and then let somebody seem like a psycho because you just won't respond or say something. And I'm not talking about like not responding within a good time period. I mean just like just not that's ghosting. So must be listening because he just sent me a private message. Hold on, all right, you calm down. Hold oh so this is this is this is more. These are more and more details. Okay, So he was he he met, He met the girl. They were talking and they video chatted. Everything was cool. She was telling him that he was checking off all the right boxes, that everything was cool, that she wanted to hang out with him. They they went out, They went out to eat.

19:21 They had a good time. They talked a lot about it, about a lot of different things, and she was smiling. Everything was good. He got up, wentto the bathroom, came back. She was still there. He thought that he was afraid he was gonna leave. That could have been sucked up. And then they hugged. When they left and he went home and she started the things started, things started to shift. She was texting me less, and I strictly said to her that if there was a problem them to let me know, because you know, I thought we had a good time. Everything was cool and hold on, I gotta like you, I don't even know wh I don't turn it on, my lord, everything was cool, and she just stopped texting him, like without saying a word, and she just she doesn't hasn't replied to him in days. So so yeah, that's that's what happened. They went out, had a good time, and she just ghosted them. Maybe she wanted to maybe she wanted a meal. I don't know, Like I mean, you.

20:40 Never know, but like that's what I'm saying. Also, like if this person can't be real with you about it, then then you need to just move on from it, like I know, easier said than done, because it fucking hurts. It's just like, what the fuck? I thought things were good? But who's to say, right? And oh shut. He like he may have thought things are good, and the hug could have been more of like a friendly thing to do, because that's the other thing, like how you end the night right is also could be an indicator if things went well or whatever, and maybe the hug was herd just being nice because they went out to dinner together, whatever. And the less communication to me is a cue already that like, this person might not be into me like I thought. So, you know, it's hard to cue people that we don't know, like we can't like. But at the same time, like people show you who they are. That's the saying, right, and that's what they're doing. So if somebody can't be real with you and just doesn't talk to you for these weeks and that's how they ended, then they weren't worth your time.

22:04 Well he said, he said, Well, from what he says that, she said that he was checking off all the boxes and everything was cool. They video chatted. He's found himself attracted, he found them attractive. Everything was cool, but all of a sudden boom, Well, well, how do you explain I mean you can't. You can't explain it because you're not in her head. Correct, But. That's fucked up. Well, it also depends on where they met, because I know they don't any dating sites and stuff. You could be talking to somebody, but if things aren't kind of like staying consistent, you also meet other people at the same time, so maybe she found somebody that was more interesting or more attractive or something like that.

22:53 I don't know. Things weren't I talked to I've talked to people, be a text, right, and then all of a sudden, I hear the voice on the phone and I'm like, oh, no, like my feeling changes or you know, we talked on the phone, we've had video chats, but then we meet up in person and I'm like, oh, this is he's not at all like I thought he was. Like the conversation was good, but all of a sudden, now he's actually speaking face to face and I'm not liking this vibe. So, I mean, things change at different points. One you have to you have to be open, you have to be you know, fluid and kind of see how things go.

23:34 But I think that right now some of the issues is people are not taking their time. They're headed straight from a luck to now I want to get married. You know, I have I have people on the same day talking about let's exchange numbers. Now, with what I do for a living, giving out my phone number can be very dangerous. So it's like, I don't know you. I don't know anything about you. I don't know what your your deal is, I don't know your intention, so I'm not real comfortable yet giving you my number. Let's talk for a little bit. You know, and I'm not even and I'm not even talking about texting for months, like give me a week or so, let's see, you know, if the text conversation is something worth having a phone conversation about. But it's like, you immediately want my phone number, and then when I say, you know, I'd like to wait a little bit, automatically they're like, oh, well, I guess you're not serious, and then they start, you know, distancing. Well, for me, it's like this, this is what I need. If you're not okay with my boundary, then you're not for me anyway.

24:46 So it's just about knowing who you are, what you are willing to do, and what you're not willing to do, and not putting so much emphasis on each person that you're meeting. You got to give it an opportunity to see where things go. But people just don't want to give time to things, you know, they're just in a hurry to go nowhere quickly. And then it burned down. Yeah, yeah, and that's not fair to you because like you're setting a boundary and like you said, I'm not saying months, like can we Like yeah, like that's so weird, Like you're not asking a lot. But again, like a person, like you said, and I've said already, like if they're not accepting of it, then then it's not.

25:36 For me, right, that's the cue to move along. You know, I've met people that have checked off boxes for me, but then the more I've talked to them or whatever, like you said, Like you even said, when when we meet people in person, that you can feel if there's chemistry or some kind of connection there that you're meet with this person, or a feel of the where they make you feel or whatever. So it is different. So we could talk all the shit we want before we meet, but until we meet and really just start getting to know each other better. You know, you got to give shit time. If you meet somebody the one time and this is happening, bro, whatever, move on for real.

26:21 Because like, yeah, it wasn't that big a deal, right, But even just the other day, I was texting somebody. The conversation was going pretty good, you know, but then we talked on the phone and I was immediately the vibe changed, because first of all, he wouldn't let me talk at all, and then everything and then everything I said, he was like one uping me so immediately, you know, so like immediately, yeah. Yeah, that's the vibe. I was like, oh, well, I can already tell you right now. I don't you know, you and I we're not going to mix.

27:01 Because so it was like, you got the ten piece and he was like, now, fuck that, I got the twenty piece. That's what's up more than you do. He I guess he worked like emergency medicine or something, or at least had that kind of experience, And so I would tell him something about my job and then all of a sudden, and then all of a sudden, he starts like he's the he does something totally different than I do, but all of a sudden, now he's the expert. On my job. And I'm like, no, no, no, I don't need somebody that's so insecure with themselves that they have to make theirselves relevant in my job.

27:46 Right now. I'm like, no, I don't. I can't do that. Be confident in who you are, don't try to don't try to relate to me because you think it's what I would like to hear, because it's not. I need you to be your own individual. Right, Myraus said, glad you ran from that one too. Let me tell you I've got story. I've got seven years worth of dating stories. I'm telling you being single is is not for the week, I'll tell you. But I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change it. I would not change it because I'm happy. I'm at peace and I don't have to deal with nobody else is Shenanigans.

28:30 As my daughter would say. Welcome back, Debbie. Debbie says, hey, guys, having seen his show in the while, is everybody doing We're doing good? Thank you? Yeah? Yeah, so so yeah, I guess, I guess keep it moving. Yeah. When it's the right one, you'll know everything. Not only will the boxes be checked, it'll be easy to talk, It'll be you know, it's gonna flow like butter mm hmmm. So so you think you you think or you know? I mean, it depends. But do you think video video chatting just isn't enough? Right? You need you need to be in person, You need to see each other.

29:14 You gotta you gotta have all of the above, like, but you have to do it in stages. You can't just automatically rush from A to B, you know, like it when you're texting, even if it's like you know what, if the conversation's going well via text, right, I'd even give it like a twenty four hours before I give a number. But I also don't give my real number at first either. Oh you got a back phone, Oh do. A different number, Well, you know what, I don't even do that. I do a Google Voice number. So go ahead. No, No, I was gonna say, it is a question on the board, would you date someone again you had history with?

30:02 You know what? I would have said yes, because there was there was some time when I thought to myself, if my ex husband ever came back, i'd. Probably go back. But I also realized exes become exes for a reason, and that's not going to change even if you, I mean, you definitely changes. People mean that. I was gonna say, people can change and grow as people. Well, let's put it this way. If it was many years down the line, like I can definitely say in these seven years, I am not the woman I was when I was married to him.

30:43 But everything that has happened in the meantime, like the way he has treated me just. As a person. Mm hmm. It's like, why would I punish myself by going back to the thing that broke me to begin with? So it's because of him I became the person that I am. So why does he deserve to get the new and improved me? I had to I literally had to pick my pieces up off the ground and figure out how to glue them back together, you know. And so why does he deserve the new and improved, you know, person that I have become?

31:31 And let's let's let's give let's give him knowing that you've changed so much, you've grown so much. This is him right now? Oh my gosh, what the heck was that? That's him crying? That the stop Cryun't it all apt? Let me tell you something. I had the man for sixteen years, His parents died, He didn't shed a tear, So you can't tell me.

32:14 But is he the only one you have history with? The only man you have some history with? No history with. History with not necessarily your acts, because that was But did you ever maybe have something. That you may entertain because sometimes things don't happen for timing for you know, like you know what I'm saying, like not to sound wrong commish or anything like that, but sometimes time Yeah, but like with people I know, so, I mean, these things really do happen.

33:02 So. Unfortunately, and I'm not I say, no joking. I'm not even joking. TG. There has been no one in my life that has treated me in a way that deserves a second chance, even if it's been twenty thirty years if like, and I know it sounds like it's an exaggeration, but it truly, truly is not there. I don't believe that there's ever been anyone in my life that truly cared or loved me. And I'm almost fifty years old, so I'm here.

33:46 I understand. So so so TG, and you like there's no one at all. I don't know. It depends because I fucked around and found out what so many people So the list is pretty big. So let's go to the videotape. But like not, I feel like where I am I'm good uh and and sort of the same sentiment as Lady G with like you know things and for reasons too.

34:31 Not everything is the wrong time, wrong place or whatever situation. But like there there's reasons why I think things end aren't and aren't fully pursued again or whatever, you know what I'm saying. So, so what about what about those situations that actually do have the opportunity to be something again from from something that happened in the past, Like what do you do you think it's do you really think it's possible at some point? Well, I look at it like for me, right in anybody who's ever been in my life, this is why I say no, Because I'm someone who gives a million chances. Right, I'm not somebody. I'm not somebody that you hurt me once or twice and then I say goodbye. No, I'm the person that allowed you chance after chance after chance until it was literally breaking me. So I've given so many chances to whatever people have been in my life that I can't afford to go back, you know, because I've crawled. I've crawled out of that bushel basket, I climbed up the mountain. I can't take the chance. I mean, we're not a religious thing, but in the Bible there's a story about Lot. God told him to flee and go to this new place. Right, but the only thing is,

36:01 you'll succeed, but don't look back, right and his wife, His wife looked back, just for a moment, a split second. She looked back, and then she spent the rest of her life. What you know, you know what, look? Why why did she look back? Because she was she was doubting what was ahead of. Her, couldn't take the leap of faith. Yeah, she couldn't trust that something better was in front of her, so she had to keep looking back. Yeah, and that's what I mean. Like I said, I'm somebody just in general, it is my personality. I'm such a loving, caring person. I give people to the point that they don't deserve to my own detriment. So after I've gotten to that, and I think the reason I am that way is because I want to give people the opportunity to see what they lose once I walk away. Because I don't just turn around and walk away.

37:18 I stick it out. I mean, I did sixteen years of feeling alone and unloved until it got to a point where I could no longer justify feeling what I was feeling while he was perfectly happy feeling empty. And of course, when I say something about how I'm feeling all of a sudden, now it's an issue, and instead of fixing it, what did he do? He went and married a family member, so it was easy for him to walk away.

38:01 It just it is. Xes or exes for a reason. And I've just done too much work on myself and given too much of myself to anyone that at this point anybody deserves a second chance because I've given. I've given the second and the third and the fourth chance. So right, that makes that makes a lot of sense. I mean, that's just who I am. I wish I had a sound effect to clap for you. No, don't clap, don't clap for me. There's nothing to clap for, Oh my lord, because let me tell you, to get to this point, there's got to be a lot of breaking going on, so there is nothing to clap for.

38:53 Wow. I yeah, No, it's dubbed saying sorry for not being here. If you were here. So I get it, I get it under under certain under certain circumstances, and and and and you know what it is you've been through. There's no way in hell you would I get I get what you're saying. But there there are instances with with couples and with people who were together and not together anymore and their exes or you're not seeing them no more. But things, things aren't things. What if the things aren't that serious. What if it's just like we didn't get along at the time, or I know what I'm saying, What if you know you just didn't get along at the time, or you know you that it wasn't your season, you know what I'm saying, Like totally.

39:53 A wholeheartedly believe in that for some people it just wasn't the time, the place, or that you know, the season, like you said. Unfortunately, in my situation, there's. No one that has ever been in my life that deserves that because I know, I know what I bring, I know what I have to offer, and I've not only have a lot of love to give, I have given a lot of love. So yeah, I do believe that for some people that is relevant, that's that's totally valid, But not in my life unfortunately, right right, because I just give too many chances that there's just no way of turning back, right.

40:44 Completely understand All right, let's let's move on. Mm hm, So getting getting ghosted, mister ghost getting ghosted, just keep it moving, bro mm hmm, go wherever you matter of fact, you know what, Stop sucking with these apps and go to the supermarket or some go do laundry or some ship. Oh my god, god. Like an old man. Okay, don't be a boomer. If you're not. Go wash your fucking clothes.

41:25 Oh well, I mean you should wash your clothes. Go fucking do laundry. Mean somebody at the laundry matter or something. Honestly, there are a lot of groups on Facebook for people in your area and stuff for different things, different hobbies, like if there's interest, that's a great way to meet people. There's even singles nice, there's single like and nobody's saying you have to go clubbing, like you. Know what I'm saying. There's like a story today. There the club. I'm definitely not going. But there's actual things out there. There's people who plan ship for people to get together because you know, there's a lot of us out there who get being a certain age and stuff. How difficult it gets where you're just stuck to apps to meeting people.

42:18 And you've brought up before like video chats, but a video chat could be fake. They have like ship where you can like you're the person's face could look like whoever they want them to look. Like or whatever. So you gotta be careful, especially with Ai, bro, you gotta be careful. Ai ain't ship, yo, AI ain't ship the ship that you see with Ai. Now, Oh my goodness, Yeah, that's that. That is that is a little bit most definitely. Well, he's stupid, he said, co own club and at the Senior Citizens home dancing to the.

42:58 Oh my god, you should be the DJ and go to the fucking senior citizen places, be like, let's do this. What it's for? The percolator? Oh ship? Oh my goodness, myras said, I'm gonna go to needle in a little while to go find one. While you're grocery shopping. Oh my god, just just ask someone if that role is soft enough for you. Go by the bananas and say is. This ripe enough?

43:43 Oh? Ship? All right? So what's he saying here doing donuts in a wheelchair? Oh my god, that's all right? All right? So moving on. Yes, So I got another email, and the email was actually aimed towards me particularly, and when I read it, I didn't know how to answer it. So it took me some time to figure out how I wanted to answer it. I had I had a her WiFi is not working on device not connected. Oh I don't know what.

44:30 Oh no, oh well she maybe she shouldn't. Yeah what happened? Right, Yeah, I'm here. Oh it's a device not connected. I know what happened. Oh I've been here. Mm hmm all right. So, like I said, it was I didn't know how to answer it. So I had to write down that was that. I had to write down what my thoughts were about this because I wasn't sure how to answer it. So it says for Coleon and this is what made me think either they know me or they're a fan of the show and watch often because it's it's it's a pretty deep question that goes, you've been through a lot and still seem to be able to show up gentle, strong and self aware. Has all you've been through made you more guarded or more intentional?

45:33 So it's from somebody named Dez, so Dez. That's so I wrote down. I scribbled down some thoughts. So this is this is what this is what I think about that about whether I'm more guarded or more intentional. H that's a real that is it's literally a real question, like I mean, that's serious, and it's a grown question for grown folks. You know what I'm saying, and and and and I respect you for asking it the way you did. The truth is, it may be both. I'm more guarded because I've learned the hard way that not everyone deserves access to my heart, to my peace, or to my vulnerability. I don't bleed, Oh yeah, I don't.

46:36 I don't bleed in public in ways I used to. I don't explain myself to people who already decided who they think I am. I'm more quieter now, I observe more, I trust slower. I'm not bitter. It's just that wisdom has become more part of my life. But I'm also more intentional than I've ever been. I'm more intentional with who I give my time to, Intentional with who I pour into, Intentional with how I love, how I speak, and how I show up. I don't move off loneliness anymore.

47:20 I don't chase validation. I don't force connections. If it flows, it flows. If it doesn't, it doesn't, I mean, what can you do? You know what I mean? If it doesn't, I let it die without trying to, you know, resuscitate it. I'm not going to fight for something or someone who doesn't want to be there. What I've been through didn't harden me, It's refined me. I'm still gentle, still capable of deep love, still empathetic, still human. The difference is now I protect that part of myself like it's sacred because it is so. Yeah, I'm guarded with access, but intentional with presence, and that balanced, that balance saved my life.

48:10 I appreciate you tapping in and seeing me. Thank you very much for the email. That's my answer, and we can keep it moving. So I'm noticed that that. Was a great response, I think, and like, I think it's like people need to understand that, Like it's it isn't normal to like be guarded in many ways, and especially if you've been here and you've been through shit with people and they've ruined your trust or it hurt you in somewhere, disrespected you. Like these are these. Things, these little trauma things that we get like that impacts us, that hurts us, you know, we we tend to put our guard up a little bit.

48:59 Why not, you know, right? And I think I think it's because, like I said, either this person knows me or has been a fan of the show long enough to know that we've talked about things like this and past, going back back to whenever I've I've I've seen shit, I've been through shit. You know what I'm saying, And I wasn't. I am I am, I'm the person I am now can't be compared to who I was years ago, you know what I'm saying, because I've grown so much. I I've I've I've turned a lot of the ship that I've been through and I and a lot of shit that I've seen into things that can be positive. You know what I'm saying. Like I I've done, I've done the work on myself. You know I've I've done. I've done everything I can possibly do to be who I am now.

50:11 I mean, I'm I'm as real as they get most of the time, you know what I'm saying. And when I say most of the time, I like to fuck around and laugh and bullshit and joke and you know what I'm saying, I like, I like to do all that stuff, But when it comes down to it, you know what I'm saying, I've become this this dude, that that's really real, you know, And I've found I have found myself. I'm proud of who I am now, you know. I mean despite all the shit that I've seen and done and been through. I mean, I've you know, I have a lifetime of experiences. I'm about to be fifty people ah in a month, and I mean, I'm a I'm at the age where it's like, what the fuck?

51:04 You know what I mean, Like it's it's got a ship shop had to have changed, you know, if it if it doesn't change, or it didn't change, who the fuck knows, where the hell I'd have been m h. You know what I'm saying, I'd have been screaming emotion. You're already screaming that what you talked about you didn't get away from the emotional damage. Yeah, I'm just I'm just that I feel I feel like I'm in I'm in a place now, in a position now where the past doesn't haunt me as much as it used to. You know what I'm saying.

51:50 That's good somelf awareness is huge. And yeah, I I I completely I completely get it. Coffee date, I'll make you a cake. Someone's making you a cake, What the hell? What's up? What's up, Jessica? How you doing? Yeah? What's what's to say here? Fifty bro first job was busting tables at Jesus christ Last Supper High School against the Romans. He's stupid. Yeah, but you know, I just I just feel like I just feel like, you know, I'm i'm, I'm in a good place now, and I think that you know, I'm I'm I'm good. I'm good, you know.

52:45 And and I appreciate Lady G. I appreciate TG Love, I appreciate Dub the down using my motherfucking people. You know, understand. I appreciate you guys. And I appreciate the fact that you know, you listen to me and ship sometimes yeah, sometimes not all the time. But enough, just enough. Yeah, all right, So now for the I don't even know, we're gonna have to talk about it because. The rema whatever. What was the topic, Yeah.

53:29 The main topic of the evening. So let's get into this. They tell they have told men strength looks like silence. They forgot to mention that silence kills. Yes, they told men to be rocks. They forgot that rocks crack under pressure. And now we're going to talk about the stigma, the damage and the cause of being of forcing men to suffer quietly. So there's a stigma around the fact that men can't be how do you say, what's the what's the word TG? Men can't be what what like?

54:21 Sensitive? Emotional? Right? Right? Right? Yeah? Sensitive and emotional? But there are men who are but. Are regardless regardless, Yes, they're like I don't like men women. Stress kills yes, Like stress can literally kill you more than being. Fact, stress can kill you more than you like smoking. I'm not even kidding. You can give yourself like a heart attack, you can give make yourself go into cardiac arrest with the amount of stress. You could lose your hair with stress. There's like so many things that the body that happens to the body when we don't do what we need to do to manage our stress.

55:12 So telling men to like gope, keep goping and golping, like what's going to happen that's gonna come out? Like vomit that's gonna come out, Like anger that's going to come out, Like you know, sometimes for many people, a version of them they don't like seeing and it's because they're holding things in it's just like taking a bottle of soda and like shaking it, shaking and shaking, Like if you're going to keep shaking it, what's going to happen when you open it? It's going to explode everywhere. It's like the same thing with your body, Like if you are not allowing emotions or the stress to be relieved in some way, you are with holding all of that into your body and making yourself sick. So it's important for people to recognize the just what stress can do.

56:13 So on top of that, at the societal norms that we put on men, which have always been that if you're a strong man, then you don't cry, then you don't get emotional. That you don't, but let's be real, men can be more emotional than women at times, and because they don't know how not to react, there's too many people who react right away instead of taking a moment. Every I do it sometimes too, like with emails at work or something something annoys me because I read it the way I wanted to read it, and then I have to take a step back instead of just writing the email right away, because you know I'm gonna say something stupid, so I have to hold back and be like, all right, let me not read this like this and let me answer this email tomorrow. So like, sometimes that's what a person needs, is time, time to heal, time to heal wounds that are there. You know, we can all pretend that, like the past doesn't affect us in some ways. You know, if our child, if we didn't have a good childhood, if we didn't see love, loving relationships in our in front of us, then there's a bigger chance that we aren't going to have those things and we're going to be uh the ones. How Like Lady G brought up always giving and caring, I'm the same way too many times, given too many chances, only

57:47 to be her over and over again until you get to the point where you're like, bro, I can't do this, Like this is making me sick. Same thing, Like, we shouldn't wait till that point. Men shouldn't wait to the point of anger, because that that's typically what it becomes. Unfortunately with a lot of men when they hold in shit, it's anger. Like everyone, so many of you guys out there think that, like I just need to punch. Some shit and break some shit and then it'll be all right. No, not really Like that's good in that moment to like get some shit out. But if you are not really looking at what the problem is internally, what the problems really are, and you are not trying to fix what is broken in you, you like, that's not changing, that's not growing as the person, Like.

58:48 I mean, I mean a lot of people, a lot of people talk about how men should open up more, right, how men should to just Yeah, like you said, they should be open and should they should be able to speak their piece. They should be able to speak whatever it is they're going through without judgment, be vulnerable without judgment, right, But I don't think men are scared to feel. I think men are just scared of what happens after they feel, you know what I mean. Yeah, but they're also expecting a certain like we talk about those expectations, but they're also expecting a certain reply or a certain kind of reaction to what they're sharing, not understanding that we're not all the same, you know, Like they definitely, like anybody, everybody wants to be heard without judgment. However, what is it that what are you saying?

59:54 Like, what. If you're gonna be vulnerable in a way that is painful to me or hurtful to me? How can I not judge that? How can I not feel something about that? Because you know, like the same thing when people say, oh, I'm just a real one or I'm just honest, right, Well, there's a difference between honesty, transparency and just plain old jerk. Right. Just because you tell someone the truth about something doesn't mean that you're doing it in a way that's respectful or acceptable. You know. So again, it all depends on what people's expectations are, those unspoken expectations, right, you know, like like if a man, Okay, so if a man cries on my shoulder, what is he hoping that my reaction is? And if my reaction is not what he hoped it was, how is he going to react to that?

1:00:58 And then come back? You know, because I've had people, you know, I guess, attempt to be vulnerable, so I nurture that vulnerability and then all of a sudden it becomes like, oh, you think I'm weak, you think I'm this, you think I'm that, And I'm like nobody said that, Like nobody said that. So that's what's always been said to them. Yeah, so it's like I'm trying to be understanding and trying to be you know, supportive. But because I'm trying to do that, that wasn't I think he expected me to call him a pussy or something, and when I didn't, all of a sudden.

1:01:44 That was a problem. You know. So every see, we can't we can't generalize. Every situation is its own, you know. But kind of kind of back to like what TG was saying is each person is responsible for their own happiness, their own self awareness, their own self control. Like we can't put that on someone else. Because women are built different in today's society. Society told us men that crime was for the week.

1:02:26 Yeah, but men are different too, we did, but that way. We've been trying to change this narrative for years now, so we can't keep saying, well, that's what's been said, Yes, it was said there there's been a lot of things that have been said that are wrong. Right, But now PEO don't need to be accountable for their own stuff, exactly like that that that what you were told cannot be used as an excuse to continue down the path of negativity, correct, Just like all the time, not knowing something is not an excuse to keep doing it right, Like, at some point you have to be a grown up and say I'm responsible for this. You know, nobody owes me anything.

1:03:10 Yes, but sometimes we need someone else to tell us that something like it wasn't our fault or if this was true. And I think the partnership part comes from where the genuine, the genuine. Empathy comes from. Let me help you deal with this instead of you having to deal with it alone. However, you can't lay this on me and expect me to fix it because I can't because the work. Yes, but that's what I'm saying, Like people are like, you want me to be vulnerable, So here I am vulnerable.

1:03:53 Fix it right now? That yeah, that's not And I think I've mentioned this before on the show. You know, we all attract a certain type of person And for the longest time I could not understand why all of the people that I wanted weren't wanting me, because what I was attracting were the broken and. Not in committal. And that was because my personality is very nurturing, very caring, very given. And so what was happening is I'm attracting the people who need what I have to offer, and the people that I am looking for don't need that, so they're not looking for me. And so when I understood that and realized that just because someone is seeking me doesn't mean that I have to take them on as a project.

1:04:56 Is when things started to change. You know, like, yes, I can, I can be friendly, I can be helpful, but that doesn't mean that I automatically have to take on your trauma, your burdens and help you fix what's wrong, because. That's that's you. And then yeah, but then at the same time, while I'm sitting here trying to help that person, they're standing in the doorway of my real husband. So it's like I'm causing them, I'm doing this. I'm allowing them to be in the way of my true reality, my future because I'm taking time out and over extending myself into things that are not my responsibility to fix.

1:05:47 That makes a lot of sense, makes a lot of sense. Yep, ag said what she said, damn it. M h yeah. But I mean, it's it's it's it's it's not. It's not that complicated people. I mean, if you have shit, you have baggage, you know what I'm saying, and and you're going through it you know, it's okay to ask for help, but do the work what. You have to be self aware. You cannot be someone who's in constant denial or playing a victim or. It's always somebody else's full.

1:06:28 You're never at full. You don't do things wrong. No, you're obviously doing something wrong. This is why. So it's taking accountability. It's it's sometimes hearing shit that hurts or you know what I'm saying, Like it's work. It is work to work on you, to work through the things, your past, your baggage. That is work. It is not something that happens overnight. It is not something that like happens right. Away at all. It could take years. Like you know, therapy is supposed to be just like a journey that you are in in your life trying to figure shit out, getting this the support that you need, you know, Like I think I have mentioned this before, Like when I was in therapy, like I'm talking years into therapy, I had a different therapist. It was a completely different therapist, I think my third or fourth one that I was on.

1:07:26 And when I was talking to her about my past, and like my mom, she was just like your mom was wrong, Like she like her just telling me that my mom was in the wrong and what she did was not right, like validated the feeling that I already had that it was wrong right, you know. But I would never had anyone tell me that that was okay to feel that way because that was my mom. So once I heard like that fucking like goodwill hunting moment of it's not your fault type thing, you know, you you kind of like you.

1:08:17 Need that moment. It like to hear it from someone else. It's not the same to hear it really from people who know you. It's it is very different to hear from someone who's outside of your circle, right, So that validation, and that's what men want too. They want validation. If I was with my man and he is crying, I the first thing I'm doing is saying, oh, what's wrong, And I'm holding you, and you know, if you're crying on me, I might cry too because I don't know what's going on. So but I'm holding you, you know, like. He twisted his finger he's crying.

1:08:59 No, then then I'm laughing at you and being like, what the hell seriously, m. Fingers, You're like I get what I get what you mean, but how do you how do you all? Right? So I got a I got a good question. How do you manage or deal with someone who is whether it be a friend, uh, relative or whoever, who's who's so into that woe is Me ship that it's it's it's toxic, like it's it's they're always crying over something there that every little thing you say to them makes them cry, or you know those overly sensitive type people. I mean, is there a such thing as an overly sensitive person?

1:09:52 Oh? Yeah, Like there's levels of empathy, there's levels of sensitivity, but it depends if it's an unhealthy thing, like where it is the Woe is Me, they're always the victim and it's a victim blaming, then I wouldn't enable that behavior. That's the only thing that you can do is kind of just not enable it. You can't be accusatory towards a person or. Call them out because they're they're not seeing it, you know what I'm saying. And depends the level of your relationship. Like if my best friend is being like this, then I'm gonna put them in their place and be like, bro, like what the fuck? Like you you know you've done things.

1:10:42 Wrong, Like. But that's what I say, I say, don't I wouldn't enable behavior, but if if I don't know, it really depends the level of your your relationship, like how much do you care about the person? Do you care about them enough that every time they break down, you're going to support them the way they need it? Right? Yeah, lady Jeans, I'm here. Yeah here, Well, I mean my brothers like that. And because I love him, I tell him, but I try to tell him in a way that doesn't sound like I'm yelling at him, But I point things out to him how I experience his woes me moments, right, So like I'll repeat to him everything that he says to me, you know, Like, dude, for the last three years, you keep saying you're gonna get evicted, and so when you say that, I feel bad because I want to help in some way, but then you don't, like you don't do anything with it, Like you've been getting evicted for three years, but clearly you're not evicted yet, So what has changed?

1:12:07 Right? Like what are you doing? Or he'll complain or he'll complain about, you know, getting some kind of you know, assistance or whatever, but he always puts the blame on the offices. But then when I try to offer it to help him fill out the paperwork, he always finds a reason why that wouldn't work or wouldn't be helpful, right, So then I'll give that back to him, Like, Okay, so you've kind of told me these things. I offer help to you, but then you don't accept the help, So I really don't know what it is you're looking for from me. If you want me to listen, then just let me know you just want me to listen.

1:12:49 But if you're asking me for help and then you're not gonna take any advice, then I can't keep attempting to help. So you need to be kind of clear with me what it is you're doing. But I let him know that when you do this to me, it makes me feel or it causes me because nobody can make you do anything, it causes me. To feel this type of way. So if you want me to continue to listen, I need you to have some solutions or I need you to allow me to offer solutions, and you at least attempt it. So it's like I kind of you know, depending on again, who they are and my relationship with them, and some people I just say, listen, you say the same thing over and over. I don't see any I don't see you making any effort at all. So I'd rather not be the person that you tell it to. Yeah, So it just depends on the people. And because after a while, you know, my brother stopped telling me. It doesn't make me worry about him any less. But at least I'm not stressed out about something that I have no control over. And he doesn't seem willing to change, right because some people, some people actually thrive in that chaos. Yes, And so like you said, I'm not going to enable that.

1:14:17 I'm going to say, either help bring up solutions, crap or get off the pot pretty much. Yeap? Do you think do you think that a person can lose like uh, like, say, say you were attracted to somebody. You're attracted to somebody and this person, the person you're attracted to, is overly sensitive. Can attraction be lost because of things like that. If they use as an excuse? Yeah, I mean it depends on the person. Like if you're not into if you wouldn't be into somebody who is that sensitive, then that wouldn't work for you. And there's people out there who would adore someone who is that sensitive, so like, it really depends.

1:15:12 M okay, okay, I get it all right. So I don't have any more emails. I I guess, I guess we're good unless there's anything pressing that anybody wants to discuss about, you know, the topics at hand, or the emails or anything that you want to bring up.

1:15:54 Well, I wanted to mention earlier, like you asked, like, what did you do the past couple of weeks? The one thing I did do was I got my colonoscopy scheduled. And if you were forty plus, you should be getting a colonoscopy. Actually, they're they're encouraging people younger to get colonoscopies now because the colon cancer is become a bigger cancer issue in younger people as well. Mister Vanderbeek just died of it.

1:16:34 Mister Ohman Dawson's Creek Varsity blues man. Yeah, I'm sad about that one because he's like our age, so like, yeah, so it's like, god, damn, you know, we lost one of our own, and so I. Think it's really had. Yeah, it's really important to touch base on that that it's important to get a colonoscopy. Yes, it sucks, the prep shitting all day whatever, but it's better safe than sorry. And if there is something, they can take care of it right away. And that's what we need, is preventative care. That means you're going before it's a problem, because that's a huge thing. And guess what, these doctors look at a holes all day, so don't worry about how bad your a hole is or how it looks because they've seen it all. They've been shit on during these colonoscopies, so don't worry about it. They signed up for this shit literally so they get paid. Yes, they do. Make an appointment. Get you're a gastroine honologist, get a referral from your doctor if necessary, your PCP, and get your damn colonoscopy. And women, make sure you're also getting your managram please, and and pap smears even even if you've

1:18:04 had children, and after your children you should be getting you have pap smears every minimum every year. No now they do them every two years depending if like unless you have HPV or something like that. Yeah, get the. Fuck out of here. No, you'll get the I don't want anything about us. They put you this. It's wonderful. You take one of the best naps ever and you link up and they give you the the the Lorna Doom cookies and the apple juice. It's amazing what get wheeled around. People treat you like, you know, old Sweeten and everything.

1:18:50 It's the best. Just do it, Just do it. I'm gonna be following up with everybody, checking in and making sure that everyone got one this year. I'm having mine in March. Who's next? So she goes, you're good, She's good, BC, it's your turn. I better next show. I better find out for your BIRTHDAYR fiftieth that you got yourself for that's part of your birthday gift to yourself, A. Great gift to myself. You want, you want to know something.

1:19:35 We gotta be prepared for this one though, because we don't. We don't. We don't have a show next week, of course, but the show after next week or the week at whenever it is, we have one on the eleventh. I looked ahead my birthday, so that's gonna be a big deal. We're gonna have We're gonna have a birthday bash, celebration season it's gonna be dope. I'm we're gonna do all types of crazy ship. Ah. I love that. That's gonna be fun. I'm looking at the.

1:20:15 At the thing and hopefully not gonna get myself out because I didn't know if there was uh fucking dubs over here having whole conversations. Would you're doing, bro? If you can't be on here, why are you in the comments talking nonsense? He tried to pop in, but when I went to press the button, it didn't work. Bee. It was like frozen or something. I don't know. Anyway, It's all good. He's probably coughing and stuff, so he needs to rest. Yeah, all right, and I need you knew it what I need. I'm hungry, all right?

1:21:01 Right, Well, with that being said, we need snacks. That's I'm big hole. That's a lovely TG love the Lovely Lady. G. There's been another episode of this My Herd podcast. Thank you for everybody that joined us in the chat room tonight. Thank you, appreciate you, We appreciate the love. We appreciate everything and always and always and you gotta always remember and at some point. This nice you know what? Everybody? Good night